forge forward

who's in milwaukee? me for forge! i'm so excited i just can't hide it. i'm in the midwest and about to be surrounded by trannys and those who love them.

top surgery!!!!!

i had top surgery at 9am on tuesday. my chest feels tight and sore. i can't wait to see it, but i have to wait till wenesday before i'm allowed. plus i get to wear these sexy drains until tuesday. they are truly sexy.

sorry it's so late but here's the last nookie of fall term

So this is the last issue of fall term, another four months gone with the wind. This also means in less than a month I’ll be back at Antioch. I’m very excited to see all my Antioch friends and meet all the new first years. I hope everyone's term was wonderful. I’m sure next term brings many surprises and great parties.Finger's crossed that we'll have a great spring term.

Today I’m coming out. Now I’m sure you are wondering what I, Niko, could possibly be coming out about this time. I’ve come out as so many different things like being queer, trans, and kinky. Now I’ve talked about this topic before, but not form a personal place. I think my Antioch community will be supportive. So here it goes, I’m a sex worker and have been for almost a year now. Now sex work is a broad term, for me I fall into the porn performer category. Let me tell you a bit about how it all started.

I was in San Francisco, home of the queer and kinky, working and living with my partner Mimi.I had been thinking about wanting to do porn for a while. Then we started talking about wanting to shoot porn together, but didn't want to shoot just any type of porn. We wanted to shoot queer and trans positive porn, porn that appreciated both of our genders and bodies. We wanted to make porn that would make other queer folk hot. We wanted to make real porn, of real people, really fucking and really getting off. So we embarked on this adventure together.

Through some good luck we met Boots, one of the creators of Red Handed Porn (www.redhandedporn.com). Red handed does all solo masturbation scenes with all different types of people. They are very queer and trans friendly (and still looking for models if you are in the Bay area). We talked, with them and each other, and then finally mustered up the courage to call them and set up a time to shoot.

The people from Red Handed were great. They were all friendly, professional, and supportive. There were three of them, each armed with a camera. Well, actually two of them had video camera and one was going to take still photos. They laid down their signature red sheet on our bed (they prefer to shoot in people’s own homes) and asked “who’s first?” Mimi and I looked at each other, nervous and excited, and I finally said “I’ll go.” Ever tried to get off with four people, three cameras, and really fucking hot lights in the room? Let me tell you it was a challenge, though a year later I can honestly say I can cum in a room full of people with cameras and blazing lights. My how we can change in a year.

First there was a quick interview about me, my gender and sexuality, and how I like to get off. Then I was to take my clothes off and get at it. No matter how sex positive you are the first time you bear all for cameras is an intimidated process. As I was taking my clothing off all I could think about was “I hope I can cum. Oh please let me be able to cum.” I lay down on the bed, tried to get comfortable, took a deep breath, and grabbed my vibrator. I figured the sooner I was into it the easier it would be for me to “end” it.

I had a hard time not being distracted by the cameras, my girlfriend, and the people in the room I had just met about 20 minuets ago. Finally I started getting into it. I started thinking how hot it is to be surrounded by people who are there solely for the reason to watch you get off. I began breathing heavier and grabbed my favorite butt plug. I knew I would need all the focus I could get and there is nothing like a butt plug to focus me.

I lubed up and slipped that butt plug into my ass. Now I was ready, ready to cum for my audience. Mimi kept giving me cute smiles of encouragement, which caused me to blush a bit each time. Occasionally I even made eye contact with Boots holding a video camera. I then tensed up and made more noise. Everyone in the room knew I was about to cum. A video camera was pointed at my face, the other at my boy cunt, as I rubbed myself harder and harder with my vibrator until I came nice and hard. A sense of warm, orgasmic relief washed over me. There were smiles all around, mine being the biggest of all.

This process was liberating. Afterwards it took me a while to put clothes back on. I was instantly so comfortable after the shoot. It also boosted my self image. It made me feel really fucking sexy and made me really hot. I had ,y first taste of porn and I liked it.

This was my first porn experience and is only the beginning. Next term I plan to delight your senses with tales of my lustful adventures. From BDSM, to porn, to group sex, I plan to titillate you from beginning to end. See you next term Antioch!

My return to Ohio

I'll be home on the 24th until the 3rd when I go back to Antioch. I want to see you all. Email me or call me and let's get together.

On another note:

I'd really love to bring the Sex Worker's Art Show (www.sexworkersartshow.com) to Antioch. Problem is we don't really have the funds. Any ideas? I'm into collaborting with other schools. Really anything to get them near Antioch would make me happy.

Thanks


niko

Transitioning, part two

This week I bring you part two of my reflection on my current transition via the hormone testosterone. I will be focusing on the mental and emotional aspects over the physical ones this time. I also want to mention that this column is coming completely from my own perspective. There are many trans people out there, all with different experiences. I do not wish to speak for the entire trans community here, only myself. Enjoy!

Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the past year. My world has been turned upside down. I’ve spent 21 years “passing” as a woman and now I’m “passing” as a man. It’s been liberating, but also a serious mind fuck. I have watched myself change, and in turn, watched everyone else change towards me. I have assumed male privilege, but also moved into the trans minority. I have some heterosexual privilege, despite always wanting to come off as queer. This is a very strange to acquire at the age of 22.

My idea of my gender is that it's fluid. I grew up a woman. I was socialized as a woman. I am proud to have that past. I love my female body. I just wanted things to look a bit different, but I didn't necessarily want to be a man. You know how you look in the mirror and think “oh I wish such and such part was different?” Well I did this, but my ideal change was to look more like a boy. All in all I just wanted to see the Niko I feel I see in the mirror. My transition is not female to male, but my biological body to my personally perceived body. Furthermore my idea of myself is a female body with an outward male appearance. I enjoy my body in a gender fucking state. Taking T was me deciding to modify my body to achieve that which I desired. Granted it’s bit more drastic than a tattoo or piercing, but at its core I see it as a form of body modification.

Honestly I feel the most genderqueer I have ever felt. My sex and gender are drastically different from each other and that's what I love about my body. I don't really like being viewed as a man now even though I realized that would eventually happen if I started T. I know that people will see me as a man now, but that wasn't my goal. The other day someone recognized me as a trans person. It felt great. While I don’t need everyone walking down the street to know I do like it when my community (the queer and trans community) can i.d. me as a tranny boi. On another note I personally don't ever think I'll be able to call myself a man. I'm a boi. I am a genderfucker. I am a trans person. My body is not a man's and not a woman's. My gender is not male or female, but trans. I like it that way.

My sexuality is different too. I have to relearn what it’s like to be a guy trying to pick up guys, or a guy trying to pick up women. So far I’ve found it’s a bit different than my previously dyke identified self. I’m scared that dating and sex will be a lot harder now. I don’t quite live up to what people want when they want a man. While some insecurities have gone away, others have appeared. I lack the same type of cocks that bio boys have. I do have a cock, but people have to be willing to think outside the normal gender boxes. On top of this I’m not interested in having my body look total male, which can be hard for people to understand. While I love my body now and I’m nervous about many things. So much is new territory now and I have to figure out these things all again.

Emotionally I don't feel like I've changed much. I do cry easier now. Isn't that funny? Not that I expected, or wanted, to take T and become an emotionally barren wasteland. I just didn't quite expect to be more sensitive to crying. It’s actually nice to be able to cry. I felt more devoid of emotion prior to taking T. I feel more confident and am enjoying my new changes. I don’t really feel like I get any more angry or aggressive now. I really feel much the same as I did before. I’m just happier with my body.

Now the biggest mind fuck; being socialized as a man. Again let me reiterate that I do not identify as a man, but since we live in a world where you fit into either male or female I have fallen into the male box. I have the rare opportunity to transition into “manhood” at 22. I can be mindful of what behaviors I choose to exhibit. The last thing I want to do is become a misogynist asshole, especially when I come from womanhood. I know better and I want to be better. There are so many fucked up things men do, granted a lot of this is socialized. This is the most I’ve ever paid attention to men. I look at their mannerisms, their bathroom “code,” how they interact with their friends, and everything else. There is so much to learn, and so much I don’t ever want to learn. I check in with myself and others often. It’s amazing to rediscover people from a different angle. I try hard to pass as a gay boy in everyday life and a tranny fag in the queer community. I can’t imagine myself not being some sort of queer.


So what do I really think about gender? I think it’s all a bunch of bullshit that we (being the mainstream) get really hung up on. Does it really matter if I’m a boy or a girl? Does it really matter than as a male looking person I feel that most comfortable I ever have expressing my femme side? Does it really matter that my cock is less than two inches, but still a cock? Does it matter than I am a trans person and not a “normal” person? Does it matter that when I wear pink now I get called a “lady?” I’m so tired of trying to label myself, for others and for myself. Since coming out at 12 I’ve identified as 7 or 8 different things. The only thing I’ve figure out is that it’s going to change again. So why waste the time figuring out a label? I’m just a person, just like anyone else, who wants to relate to other people. To me my gender and sexuality is rather irrelevant and so is the gender and sexuality of the people I choose to spend time with.

Happy Holidays Antioch! I look forward to coming home and seeing all of you.

Transitioning, part one

So last week something wonderful and shocking happened for the first time. I looked into the mirror and saw a boy. It taken me almost a year on testosterone to get here. Granted I have been "passing" as a boy for many months, but this was the first time I thought I actually looked like a boy. . It was kind of a mind fuck. 22 years of looking in the mirror and seeing a girl. Now , all of the sudden, I see a boy looking back at me. It's exciting and terrifying all at once.

As many of you may know I decided to start taking testosterone about year ago. This was a big decision, as I would be changing my body permanently if I decide to start. Some of the effects of testosterone would go away if I stopped, but the hair growth, clitoral growth (yea, clitoral growth) and voice change are permeant. Despite recently seeing a boy I in the mirror I still feel much like I did when I made this decision. I never felt much like a girl, but I also wasn't convinced I was a boy. I did know I wasn't happy with my body and felt confused. Honestly I wasn't 100% sure that taking T was the right thing to do, but I knew something had to change. Now I'm glad I started T.

T has made crazy things happen. The first few months can be summed up with one word: HAIR. I had no idea the difference in body hair between men and women. Well, I do now. I don't have a hairless spot on my legs. Even when I didn't shave I did have much hair from the knee up. , that is no longer the case. I have a happy trail that goes to the middle of my chest. I have more hair on my arms and a few scraggly whiskers on my face. I'm even sporting some pretty rad chin hairs. I'm actually the only one who likes them, but when you spend 11 months trying to grow them you get excited easily. I do know I don't have near enough hair to actually have any sort of convincing facial hair. It can take up to 5 years or longer for trans guy's facial hair to fill in. So I guess I'll have to see what my genetics give me.

Another issue that I had when I started T was my mood. I started taking my T every 2 weeks. Needless to say this cycle and my body did not get along. 2 to 3 days before my next shot I would have intense mood swings and be very irritable. My partner and roommates were lucky to get out alive. Hormones are no joke. Luckily I was able to change cycles and taking my shot every tens days now. Thankfully everything has smoothed out.

On top of that my voice dropped dramatically. II squeaked and cracked like a 15 year old boy for about 5 months. Try being a professional when you sound, and look, like a 15 year old boy. Finally my voice settled out. I never get female pronouns on the phone anymore. The other amazing thing is that my clitoris is now huge, no joke. Taking testosterone gives your clitoris the ability to increase in size dramatically. Now it's not like a penis, but it's enlarged probably 50 times the size it was before. Actually lit looks like a tiny penis, but without the balls. If i had been born with a clit this size doctors would have removed it and possibly deemed me intersex., since my size of a clitoris is considered abnormal.

Now some of you may be wondering on how one take testosterone. s It's easy, you take a two inch needle and slowly slide it straight down into your thigh. Testosterone is usually injected intramuscularly. Which means you need a pretty big needle. Not to mention that testosterone is a very thick drug which you must inject slowly. I still remember the first shot I gave myself. I went in to the doctor for them to show me how to inject myself. Up to this point I was just looking at the needles with utter fear. , since I had my script for a week before my date with the doctor. She taught me how to draw the syringe up and then told me how to inject. I took a deep breathe and slide the needled into my leg. It must have taken 30 seconds for me to get it all the way in and another 30 to push the T into my system. Remarkably it didn't hurt very much at all. Once you pierce the skin all you feel is pressure. Since then I've done 29 more times. It's almost sick how easy it's become.

Recently my body has changed drastically. My shoulders, face, and hips have changed. immensely. I dropped 4 pant sizes. It's remarkable. Last week I was trying on women's pants and I now wear the smallest size of women's pants I ever have. , an 8. I had to call my girlfriend to freak out. The drastic shift in size, due to the T I'm taking, is rather overwhelming. My shoulders have broaden and become more muscular. Then within two weeks time my face lost some it's fat and became more angular. I actually noticed this because one side of my face became angular as the other hadn't yet. In just a few days my face "evened" out.

So what's next?

Who knows how my body will continue to change on T. I do know that I will be having top surgery (i.e. get rid of my breasts). I have scheduled my surgery date for my birthday this March. The surgeon will remove all breast tissue and create a more male like nipple and overall chest. This will cost me a lot of money! Though after a few months my chest will look like another other guys'. This also means no binder ever again., which is my number one reason for surgery. They are hot, expensive, and make it hard to breathe. Not to mention I'd like to be able to swim without 50 layers on.

I hope you've enjoyed a look into my last 11 months of intense changes. Next week is the satire issue, but the following week I will bring you part two of this story; the things going on in my head about transiting and what I really think about my gender.

See you next week Antioch!

queer animals

As a science geek and sex nerd I am so very excited to bring you this week's topic. But first, I want to take a moment and dedicate this column to the wonderful Dr. Jill Yager (Antioch's own super hero science professor and cave diver), who always supports my efforts in science and sex. There's no doubt Antioch will miss you
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Now to the sex. We are going to spend some time talking all about gay animals this week. The science of sex. Animals are fascinating and can tell us much about us as humans. They have lived on this earth much longer than we have. Therefore homosexuality has existed for thousands of years. Queers exist everywhere in all types of animals, humans included, just look at Antioch. Queermos everywhere!

Now on to the science. Recently the Oslo Natural History Museum opened an exhibit called Against Nature? This exhibit features all different species of animals living in queer relationships or involved i n queer sex. The exhibit aims to challenge the idea that homosexuality in unnatural. I'm glad to see someone provoking some thought around queerness. I think it's just silly people haven't figured out it has to do with nature. At least that's what I think. Oh, and people who like the challenge authority.

Many animal s not only engage in queer sex, but even parent in queer couples. I'm sure many of you heard about the boy penguins who were mates in NYC's Central Park Zoo.They were even given an egg to raise together. Penguins have very high rates of same sex couples. They build nests, sometimes mate for life, and will even adopt a rock as their egg replacement. Flamingos will also parent eggs in male couples. Research shows that this is advantageous because two male Flamingos can defend more territory than a female and male partnership can. Thus meaning they can raise more offspring, in a larger space, and better support their species growth.

Dolphins have also been seen engaging in queer sex. The great things about dolphins is that, along with humans and the bonobos, they have sex for pleasure. Most animals don't necessarily have sex for pleasure but these three do and there is research to prove it. Bonobos are highly sexual primates living to wildly fuck all the time. The other fascinating thing about animals is that they engage in many of the same activities, the good and the bad,s as humans do. Animals have been observed participating in cross-species sex (a sort of bestiality), masturbation, fetishes, enjoying sexual images, rape, coercive sex, pedophilia, necrophilia, monogamy, polygyny, and promiscuity. So in some ways all of these things are natural. We, as humans, have just decided some of these are not acceptable and rightfully so.

I think that the fact queerness is deemed unnatural if fucking ridiculous. We forget sometimes that humans are part of the animal kingdom, thus subject to the same animal behaviors as other species. If gay sex is noted among many of the social species (mammals, marine birds, etc) then why would it be consider unnatural in another social species (humans)? Giraffes actually have 9 times as many homosexual experiences than heterosexual ones. Imagine is humans had the same experience. Things would be a bit different, huh?

I believe and science knows procreative and queer sex is natural among animals. There are many debates on why animals engage in homosexuality. Such as it decreases aggression amongst the same species of animal, pheromones, hormones, or even a form of population control. I think in humans it has to do with being horny. Queers just do it better. and who doesn't want to be a part of that?

Another amazing phenomenon in the animal kingdom is the ability of changing sex. Many animals have the ability to alter their sex based on the need for one sex over the other (i.e. a shortage of males will cause some of them to shift sex to females procreate). Some animals even change sex when they age. Remember Finding Nemo? I loved this movie and was upset to find it was based on scientifically incorrect information.It's all a lie.See the problem is all clown-fish are born male and become female as adults.There are no adult males. Therefore Marlin, Nemo's dad, would not been able to exist. Damn Disney!

I'll leave you with some sites for further inquire. Science is a beautiful thing.

http://www.narth.com/docs/animalmyth.html

This site links you to NARTH. They are some serious jackasses. Stupidity at it's finest. They are the National Assiocaiation of Reasearch on Homosexuality. Very anit-gay and offensive. This is their page on animal homosexuality and how queer sex in humans is still unatural. I think it's always good to see what the other "side" is doing.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animal_sexuality#Homosexual_behavior

Wiki is always your friend. Don't believe all you read, but it's a great orgy of information.

Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity by Bruce Bagemihl

This a book on the science of homosexuality in animals. I hear it's a great read.

Finally the newest nookie with niko

All the kids in my elementary school knew that when you finally made it to the sixth grade you'd get learn about sex. I was waiting with great anxiety and anticipation for the sixth grade to come, as were many of my classmates. Sex was on my mind, not wanting it, but wanting to know about it. What I knew was based on rumor and my mother's nervous attempt.

I remember that fateful first day, sitting my desk as we started sex education class. I was 12, going on 13. I didn't know what was going on in terms of my sexuality as I'm sure many do. I always liked all types of people, but that didn't fit this heterosexual model in front of me.

On first day the teacher divided the class into boys and girls. This division was so girls could have "privacy" and be taught about our periods without the boys, and so they didn't have to deal with that information. Boys didn't need to know about the female body. Getting your period was not something we talked about much in school or in our own lives, especially around boys. We didn't talk about anything beside heterosexual sex and we didn't talk about protection. Moral of the class, no pre-marital sex and if you wait there is no reason to use any form of protection.Since it will be between husband and wife. Seems to me that much was left out, problem is that no one at 12 usually knows the difference, at least where I grew up, everyone thought the same way. Oh and yeah, sex always mean penis in vagina, Plus only boys can have penises and girls with vaginas. Let me be the first to say I am a boi with a cunt and damn proud of that.

So it began, a few more years of confusion.

Though before all this my mom valiantly tried to have the sex conversation with me. I was younger than my sex ed days, maybe 10. She tried, but she acted and seemed very awkward . I sure was, but who wouldn't be when your mother tells you "something" gets hard and then you put it inside you." Sex sounds so strange, then you cum and it changes everything.

My mom and for a lot of parents talking about sex to their kids is hard. It's not any easier for the teachers/ Sexuality has been suppressed, therefore making everyone feel rather uncomfortable talking about it. Though there is a strong sex positive community, especially in the queer community, out there now and many more people are pushing for comprehensive sex education.We owe it to the youth of the world to arm them with the facts and accessibility to latex.We owe it to ourselves to talk about sex.

Then came the tenth grade we had another go at sex education. This time it was a bit more detailed, but surely didn't not mention anything about queers or non-vanilla sex did watch an hour of the sexually transmitted infections and their effect s. They even briefly mentioned condoms, wow. We did talk about gay men's risk of HIV, but no one else's. Apparently they thought anal sex is the only way to pick up HIV and we all know that only gay men have anal sex. I came name ten people I know, who are not gay men, who love ass fucking. Matter of the fact I love ass sex. One should still play safe, but people should open up their minds and their asses.

This assumption was not based in reality, this was based on morality It was homophobia.. You should be straight and remain a virgin until marriage. I couldn't even choose to wait to marriage, since queers can;t marry. Not that I'd want to marry.

So how did I get here? I would hope it's clear that I don't buy the abstinence bit. I love having sex. I love talking about sex. I love learning about sex. Point blank, I just love everything about sex. Queerness saved me! Queerness has shaped my sexuality, sex ed had not. Queerness taught me how to communicate, play safe, and be open to all my different attractions.

This week's column was meant to be a reflection on abstinence only education. I went through it, as many of you have as well. I encourage you to learn and support others learning and growth around sex. We are all better prepared if we have the facts. Stay sex positive Antioch!

Oh, and have some rough nasty hot and consensual sex!



Resources on abstinence only education

http://www.scarleteen.com/

Scarlet Teen is a great website with accurate information of sexuality and safer sex. It's geared toward someone in their teenage years. This is a great place to sent younger brother and sister if they are looking for more information


http://www.sexisforfags.com/ and http://www.ironhymen.com/

These sites are a mockery of abstinence only programs. They offer testimonials on how well each program has worked. They are a humorous insight to the abstinence only world. A bit over the top, but not all of it is inaccurate.


http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/sexeducation.htm

This page is a great resource on the facts about sex education. Written for youth from people who know youth want and need the facts.